Of Hope

I used to think I had to create hope inside of me. Hope was an attitude change. Hope was my obligation. When I struggle with hopelessness I also struggle with condemnation.

But that doesn't make much sense. If I am unable to save myself how can I reach deep inside and pull out hope?

What if there are two different types of hope and one of them is a gift? There is hope tied to faith. This is the goal. This is the intellectual acknowledgement that my salvation is secure. And then there is the hope that permeates like spring air.

I can live without it. In fact, I have lived without it for a while. I know the hope that you choose: you know where you're going, the cost to get there, and the fact that no one is going to help you.

When I see other people rolling around in the second kind of hope like it's ice cream, I tend to think that I need to work harder. As if I could achieve blessing. But I know the source of blessing. And I know He does not withhold what is good for us. And then there is the perspective of the first century church: it is a blessing to suffer with Christ.

I know I cannot create hope inside of me. But I can keep my heart from becoming hard by continually opening it to the promises of God.

Suffering and Guitar Strings

I had a rotten day last week. Fortunately at the end of it I got to talk to one of my favorite people. The funny thing is that my conversations with this awesome person have never traditionally been "warm and fuzzy." Sometimes you imagine on your worst days that you will get that one perfect phone call that will make it all better. I never have those types of phone calls with her. Probably because she has her own problems, she can't solve mine, and she definitely wouldn't want to if she could. I guess we're adults. ;)

Our conversations are never predictable. And like I said, our conversations are never the traditional warm, fuzzy type. But I always see the effects of our conversation for the next few weeks. Our conversation tends to go like this: "Life is hard and confusing. What is happening? Should we quit and give up and go crazy? No, we can't do that. We have to keep going. Jesus is faithful, if not in this life then in the next."

I love storytelling. But there have been some negative effects. For instance, the stories worth reading have a struggle between good and evil where good comes out on top. The protagonist may go through trials, but the victory and triumph and restoration at the end is greater. In fact, for a long time I believed that most people would experience about the same amount of trials and successes. (I don't know why I've believed that after all I've seen). Maybe it was naive, wishful thinking. I went through a lot of pain early in life and I kind of thought things would get better. But honestly, I've been on the long haul through muddy water and there's little sign that it's going to get easier. Meanwhile, I watch people all around me reeling in success.

Lucky for me, my amazing friend is my soul sister. She and I are different ages, come from very different backgrounds and live in very different places. But we have been on the same emotional/spiritual journey for the past few years.

Life is not easy. And I know it is unfair. People seem to be allotted very different portions of pain, success, suffering, and joy. I don't know what my portion will be. So far it seems to swing heavily to the side of tears. But I read this story today and found it encouraging. It used the analogy of a guitar string to discuss being a "slave to righteousness." But I felt like it applied to suffering. A brand new guitar string is loose and relaxed. But to fulfill its purpose guitar string needs to be stretched and strung over the fretboard. Then it is plucked and strummed to produce beautiful music.

I like to think all the stretching, strumming, and plucking in my life will eventually produce a beautiful song. But it can sure hurt in the process.