It Is What It Is

I know this is usually used in a negative context: a phrase of resignation, surrender, or disappointment. I am not using this phrase in that context.

It is what it is...only I don't know what it is. God knows what it is. What do I mean? I can't keep track of my own life. I certainly can't plan it.

Right now I feel like I am just along for the ride. I never expected this job, or this life. And yet this is where God brought me. He has a plan for it. I am trying to understand it. Until then I just say humbly: it is what it is.

The speed of my life has increased threefold. I think it is good for me. I find myself always on the go, working and investing in relationships, and taking time for personal interests. But I wonder how I got here overnight. It will take some time to adjust to the new schedule, to distribute the new burdens in a healthy manner.

Somehow whenever I'm busy I feel like I can never catch up. I think my soul is a quiet pond in the mountains. When I'm forced down stream, it gets uncomfortable until I reach the next large body of water.

But it's good for me. I just need to find the balance of prayer, and rational detachment with my new job, and still having hopes and dreams on the side.

I feel a little guilty that this blog is so vague...but I think I'll need some more time to adjust to my new schedule and see my new life from a different perspective. There is a lot to process. Right now I am just getting up every morning (with hope and joy) and tackling whatever comes that day.

And God continues to give me promises:

Isaiah

60 Arise, shine;
For your light has come!
And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.
2 For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth,
And deep darkness the people;
But the Lord will arise over you,
And His glory will be seen upon you.
3 The Gentiles shall come to your light,
And kings to the brightness of your rising.

What a beautiful promise. 

My Bitterness, God's Faithfulness

When you read through the Bible, there are many different responses to God's callings. Gideon asked for confirmation...over and over again. Moses put forth his doubts. When the angel came to Mary and told her God's plan for her life, her response was faithful submission. What about me? What is my response to the Lord's calling on my life?

I think it varies depending on the situation. Some times I respond quickly and with joy. Sometimes I surrender in humility. Sometimes I fight back. But this most recent change in my life shed a lot of light on who I am and how God speaks to me. The truth is that all the major decisions in my life, the major steps of faith God has called me to have a certain pattern to them.

I was offered a job recently--one that I didn't expect; one that I wasn't sure fit into my plans. And in my process of bringing it before the Lord in prayer, He spoke some very clear things to me:

"But you, son of man, hear what I say to you. Do not be rebellious like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.' Now when I looked, there was a hand stretched out to me; and behold, a scroll of a book was in it. Then He spread it before me; and there was writing on the inside and on the outsdie, and written on it were lamentations and mourning and woe...So I opened my mouth, and He caused me to eat that scroll..." Ezekiel 2:8- 3:2

"So the Spirit lifted me up and took me away, and I went in bitterness, in the heat of my spirit; but the hand of the Lord was strong upon me." Ezekiel 3:14

Every major step of my life I have met with bitterness, in the heat of my spirit. I have cried and I have struggled, but always the hand of the Lord has been strong upon me. The peace found in obedience only comes afterward. But every time the Lord has moved me where He needed me to be.

It's a humbling thing to admit that I have a pattern of resisting God's plans for my life. Ezekiel was told what his ministry would be: lamentations, woe, and mourning. A rebellious people who would not listen to him. A people who would bind him with ropes. Jeremiah is known as the weeping prophet, but Ezekiel's ministry wasn't a piece of cake, either. He laid on his side for a year, and didn't have much choice in the matter! His wife died and he wasn't allowed to mourn her. He had a tough ministry ahead of him, and God was straightforward about it from the beginning.

God knew Ezekiel would have a hard time with a few things. God also knew Ezekiel's name before he was born: "God strengthens." Even during his calling, every time Ezekiel falls on his face, the Spirit lifts him up to his feet.

I am Ezekiel. God is patient with my bitter spirit and my resistance. He restrains me at times in my life, in order to empower me to do His will and keep integrity. He allows loss in my life and uses it to teach other people. He has sent me to a rebellious mission field where there are a lot of hard hearts that may not listen to me, and yet I am a watchman declaring truth to them.

I took the job. And God has arranged everything in my life. And even through the changes, the challenge, the frustrations, I feel so incredibly known. I am learning to do ministry in a new fashion, under a very different leadership team than I am used to. But I feel so confident that God knows my strengths and experience and I am accountable to Him. He has plans for me here.

God is faithful, and He is truly the author of my life. I want to change so that I submit like Mary when God presents me with a step of faith, but I am confident and secure that He loves me anyway, and He will gently get me where I need to go. He makes no mistakes with me.

Reunion with the Mountains

It is 4:39 pm. Google says the temperature is 38 outside. I step out of my room to get a glass of water and peer out the kitchen window again. It's all still there: the Payette river has turned a darker color from the turquoise it was earlier. The mountains are still there, their peaks enshrouded in the fog and clouds hovering over the whole valley. The trickles of white snow on top are just the beginning for the winter.

Now tiny flakes of snow are dancing madly through the air as the wind whips around the valley and the herd of elk that used to be chilling in the large field behind my house are now grazing down by the river. Mountains, rivers, snow, fog, elk. Heaven.

Yes, friends, life has changed for me. I live in the mountains now. As excited as I am about that fact, I will need your prayers for the winter that is coming!!

The light is fading now. I set up my room as much as possible. There were nails already in two walls and I was so glad I brought two of my paintings. Two of my sarongs are serving as curtains for now. The mountains out my window are farther away, but still gorgeous. I just turned on the mattress cover heater that my dad got me (spoiled ;) ). And I'm already thinking: I can't wait until I wake up in the morning and get to see the views again!!!

Here I am. How long will I be here? Will I survive the winter? We will see. ;)