An Undervalued Work of Art

I had a thought the other day...

I had just passed off a card to a young girl in a lot of pain, with more responsibility than her fourteen years should merit. I was driving home with a smile on my face. There was a complete and utter confidence in my soul that I had given her the most powerful comfort in the world. I gave her a card full of Scripture. And that got me thinking. I would have no confidence in myself, in my words of comfort, or my ability to counsel, but for the Word of God. I have all confidence in the Word of God, and what it has done in my life. I know that the Word of God does not return void, and that it has the power to comfort that girl where I never could.

Funny thing...I used to have very little confidence in the Word of God. It was a book full of words. Granted, it had wisdom and value...but I had no idea the power and healing in the Word of God. And on this car drive home I got to thinking of what God's Word means to me.

Words are very powerful. Have you ever noticed that clever people seem to use them so much better than others? One word can have multiple meanings. It can have cultural implications. Many words not only have a strict definition but a connotation as well. You can communicate one idea in ten different ways. I was driving behind a school bus the other day when I read the words on the back: "Unlawful to pass when red lights are flashing." Why did they say 'unlawful' instead of illegal? Don't they mean the same thing? Then I slowly realized, that when I had read that sign, my gut immediately told me that if I passed that bus when the red lights were flashing, not only would I be susceptible for a ticket, but I would be a horrible person. There seemed to be a moral attachment to the word unlawful. Why? Well...when people think illegal...breaking the speed limit is illegal, but people do it all the time...but unlawful? Then it hit me. Unlawful has the word 'awful' in it! I broke a smile and saluted someone for his genius. But look at that! Look at the power of words!!

And how many times have you said one wrong word in a conversation that turned everything sour? How about saying something perfectly innocent that someone took the wrong way? I have definitely done both. The minute it was out of my mouth and I saw that face I wanted to take it back. We, as human beings, are no masters of language. Sometimes I feel like we are children painting with finger paint. Sometimes, by fluke or sudden genius, we create a masterpiece. And sometimes we make an awful mess. But a master painter knows the technique, knows color, knows texture, knows light, and knows how to precisely capture every detail in order to make an exquisite masterpiece. Same paint, different outcome. And I realized...

God gave us language. He is the master of words. And that is why the Bible is perfect, infallible, and absolutely beautiful. It is His exquisite masterpiece, without flaw or blemish. It isn't just a smart book. And that is why every Scripture verse has power and beauty in itself. It isn't just a sentence constructed...it is a work of art, crafted by the Master who knows every past and future implication of every word. Add in the Holy Spirit, who guides believers into truth and you get a dynamic duo-unstoppable by all the smudges and smears of man's messy nature.

And that is why, whenever I give someone a verse, I get this warm feeling inside, as though I am imparting a priceless treasure that God will use in their life in a manner according to His plan. I just never understood it so well as that night driving home. It still makes me smile to think of it as a painting, painted by the Master Communicator! I hope that it makes you smile too. I should go and read it some more.

Intimate Love

"O God, do not forsake me, until I declare Your strength to this generation, Your power to everyone who is to come." Psalm 71:18

One of my favorite things in life is to look back on a confusing season and see God's working in it: it proves that my God knows me intimately. This weekend was a little rough and tumble for me. But now in retrospect I see God's intimate love all throughout it. He knew what I needed. I needed to see the Patmos ministry and realize that it is not mine anymore. I needed to see the people dear to me, see that they still love me, and say goodbye to them. I needed good teaching and hard work and discipleship again, and then I needed to go home and let them leave. I needed to go on with MY life. And that is what I am doing. And I am excited about it!

I feel a little more like an adult. I feel more freedom. I am grateful that my God knows me intimately. And I am ready to wait a little longer. Slowly, some things are coming together for Indonesia. I am still practicing my Bahasa, and still reading Anak Perdamian. I am still compiling my prayer letter contacts. I am still praying I can go in January...but the Lord will decide that ;)

I'm not at the end of this confusing waiting season, but I have even more faith now that I will look back on it and see God's intimate love for me. I've already seen glimpses. As long as I come out the other end looking more like Him, I will be content. :)

Waiting, Lungfish, and Dragons

Consciousness is not linguistic. At least that is what I firmly believe. A few people might disagree. It has taken me years of practice and failure to get to a place where I can sometimes communicate myself properly with words! And still, when I am confused, disturbed, or upset I find myself unable to communicate what is going on in my soul, and I just writhe around like a dying duck.

A wise friend once told me that I was a complicated person, but that I needed to be simple for others. I'm realizing that this is God's desire for me as well. When I jump off the deep end into the complex extremities of my mind, delving for understanding in the deepest ways, it seems that He is faithful to bring me back to the shallow. I find joy and peace in that simplicity. But I know God has plans and intentions for that deep, complex side of me. I've seen Him use it for His glory. We just have to work on it together. That is one thing that I am learning in this waiting season.

I don't like to wait. I used to think I was unable to wait in a righteous manner. Now I am more confident that He can empower me to do so. I recently remembered some prayers that I offered up at the end of the summer, before I came to Idaho. And I realized that God was working on answering those prayers. It looked like chaos to me, because there is still chaos inside of me, and He wants to get it out.

The strangest part is dreaming alone. Have you ever wondered if you were ever really meant to be an adult? I wonder that a lot. I think I make a better side-kick than the one in the spotlight. But then, I guess I am always in God's spotlight. I suppose He can do whatever He wants with me. It just makes me feel like a fish out of water, trying to breathe air through gills that are accustomed to water...and that makes me think of the lungfish. It's a small fish that was instrumental to the development of amphibians and, eventually, animals. (Yes, we are talking about evolution here. Bear with me ;) ) It could survive for long periods of time out of the water, and would often flop its way between puddles, thus traveling on land. (!)

I've decided I am a lungfish. I am used to water, that is my comfortable state. But God has asked me to cross the land. He is leading me to a land that I do not know. He has given me the tools to get there. So I take the first step of faith and leave the ocean. I flop my way across the land, breathing heavily through my partially air-adapted lungs, but soon I panic. I am tired, I am not getting sufficient oxygen, and I don't see a puddle ahead. But there is. And He leads me to it, and I plunge in. He leaves me there long enough to recover. Then, it's on to the next puddle. What a strange life to live. Thank goodness. :) I am not a fan of the ordinary or mundane.

And that's what this waiting season has been like. I think everytime I am on land, a new toxin leaves my body. Sometimes I feel like Eustace from the Chronicles of Narnia. I have this tough dragon skin surrounding me, and Aslan has to peel off the layers. It can be excruciatingly painful, but I am beginning to see all the 'weight' that I have lost, and that encourages me.

Landscape of Faith

Green trees

and barefeet on mossy seas

Soft words

love for implicit God of these.

Childlike faith, faithful child

Your laugh, to me, is part of the trees.

Stormy skies

and wind that bites away my smiles

Soft rain

cold but nourishing the pain

Childlike faith, faithful child

Your suffering will lead you on to deep

Ocean chill

and waves that change position still

Pounding surf

the test of faith built up to spill

Childlike faith, faithful child

You finally look like me

Lawnmowers

I just finished mowing the lawn...
We have a riding lawn mower and a considerably large lawn to mow. I am not an expert with this machine, but I normally do fairly well. So I was out there for a while mowing away, alone with my thoughts...that's basically all you can do on a lawnmower is think. It's much to loud for a phone call, too attention demanding to read a book or write or draw, and I doubt that listening to music would do much good. So I was mowing and thinking. And suddenly the lawnmower started making a horrendous noise that made me jump.(Riding on top of a spinning blade makes me a little jumpy anyway)

In my head I saw this image of the gas tank under my seat exploding in a ball of flame, taking me with it, but just as quickly I knew I wouldn't die. Why? Indonesia. I am confident that God called me there, and that He has a purpose for me there. Therefore, I will live until I get there. It's like when Peter is sleeping in prison in Acts because he knows he will live. How? Christ told him that when he was old he would be carried where he didn't want to go. This meant he would grow old. I have realized that most of the time I have this confidence too, that I will not be dying in the next four months. Maybe I should go skydiving...or base jumping, or go do dangerous things just for kicks! But then I realized that would probably be something like testing God....so...forget that.

But if I were to go out on a lawnmower, it wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't mind dying right then and there in a fiery ball. Why? Cause I am content that in the last year, I have been far from perfect, but I have tried earnestly to grow and please my Savior. I have had intimate moments with Him and a growing honesty and humility in our relationship, and I am content with that. But also...to die on a lawnmower would not have much of a greater purpose would it? Not to say that we can understand God's purposes, but no one's going to put my flaming lawnmower on the front of a TIME magazine saying "Christian dies boldly for the Gospel." I doubt it would inspire hundreds to go on the mission field, or anybody to come to a saving faith! Why should this make me happy? Well, the way I see it, the only reason I would die on that lawnmower would be because God wanted to bring me home! And that makes me smile. I think maybe, if Enoch had lawnmowers in his time, that God took him while he was on a lawnmower.

Faith-fulness

2 Chronicles 32:1

"After these deeds of faithfulness, Sennacherib king of Assyria came and entered Judah; he encamped against the fortified cities, thinking to win them over to himself."

vs7: " 'Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid nor dismayed before the king of Assyria, nor before all the mulititude that is with him; for there are more with us than with him. With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the Lord our God, to help us and to fight our battles.'"

The chapter before is about the Reforms of Hezekiah and it talks about him taking down the high places, smashing the graven images, and making sure the Levites are taken care of as they do their duties. Hezekiah's father Ahaz was an evil king, so much so that God allowed five consecutive raids by different countries to try and get his attention. But he was defiant to the last. His son stepped out boldly to follow the Lord and lead his people in righteousness, and after many acts of faithfulness...Assyria invades and camps against him. Does that make sense? What is Hezekiah thinking..."What did I do to deserve this?" "God, I've done all these great things for you..." No. In verse seven he clearly trusts in the Lord to deliver. He is not waivered. He sees this as an opportunity for God to glorify His name.

After all these years, I still expect God to reward faithfulness with prosperity. I still forget that God loves to take your faithfulness and grow your faith, often through difficult circumstances. But He is faithful to deliver.

Beth IS an infinite regress of doom

Sometimes I think you have to let your life fall apart before you can put it together again. Maybe part of it is a realization that I was never in control in the first place.

You know one thing I've learned about myself? I knew it before, but it solidified for me today. I need other people. I need their lives, their journeys, and their minds. I figured out in middle school that I was fully capable of carrying on a full conversation in my head. I can effectively argue and counter argue myself. I can explore entire worlds inside my head. I learned how to confront fear, how to isolate and eliminate pain. I learned how to escape from realities that threatened my well being. And I've spent the past four years trying to recover from that damage.

You see I came up with the illusion that I didn't need others. But it's a lie. Because the truth is...my entire reality, in my head, was constructed by me. And when you've got the depth of Beth counter arguing the depth of Beth, all you end up with is an infinite regress of doom. In my life it's been like a black hole, sucking my hope and joy into oblivion. And it's in that dark, starless night of oblivion that I feel like I lose my grip on reality, and that to hear and see things that aren't there would be a relief to the alternate mask of sanity.

But what I've been learning, especially in the past year, is that freedom comes in the form of other minds. When someone else hospitably opens up their self and mind for me to wrestle around in, I find truth and liberty. One word, one thought that isn't 'Beth originated' can add a roundness to my thoughts that enlightens the whole picture! Not only that, when I witness others journeys, struggles, and thoughts I am given a glimpse of something outside of myself. Because, like it or not, I am not as diverse as I think. I used to think I could have become any person in the world, given the right circumstances, environment and people in my life. Now I'm not so sure. People are far too prieless to put a label of ingredients on them.

In the course of a day of being sick/staying in bed, I watched three movies. None of them were remarkable. In fact, I probably disliked about 2 1/3 of them. In other words, there was only about 2/3 of two movies that I could call good and satisfying. In fact it was probably some of the contrasts between me and the movies that clarified things the most.

And this simply from witnessing the lives of people who don't exist. And that is why I feel like a limp hand up here, slowly losing life as the circulation is cut off from my body. And I don't have one up here to transplant into yet...

And so, out of complete humility, I'm afraid I must counter the phrases put forth so defiantly by myself in high school: I am not a rock. I am not an island.

Someone else's thoughts on life have highlighted my own, and now...maybe...I am ready to move forward. If all goes as planned, I will post tomorrow....with a picture!

Post for David

John Mayer found out there was no such thing as the real world. All my life, I've been finding out that there is. And I hate it.

I was in a play in fifth grade. It was a Christmas play called The Bethlehem Project about two rival gangs, the city kids and the shepherds, and how their lives were changed when the Savior was born. It was a sweet play. My part was Jesse the Shepherd. I guess I was the idealist who boldly opposed the rest of my shepherd "gang" because I was friends with a city girl. One of my lines went like this: "Well, I don't like the real world. I like Lilly and Elizabeth. I think someone should come and change the real world..." Of course Christ came and changed that 'real world,' and in the end we were all united under His Love.

I don't like the real world, and I've never intended to live by its rules. But sometimes I feel so swamped by it that I can barely keep my head above water. It's as if all those carefully constructed dikes betray their integrity and let me get pummeled by the negative evil that's trying to kill me. All I feel is betrayed and helpless, having to ride out the flood before rebuilding.

Then I find myself wet and sopping, too exhausted to move forward in confidence. This is not who I wanted to be. I want to be up there and not down here. I want to be anywhere than here! Was this my fault? Am I this much of a failure that I could see it coming and not stop it? And I just want to scream at those dikes for not protecting me when they should have, and scream at myself for not being perfect, and scream at Jesus for bringing me to this place of failure. And I weep that I can't be like Job who, tormented beyond belief, held true in righteousness. And I fail miserably when the pressure drops in my head, or when I lose understanding. How pathetic is that?

I see my goals, and yet I still can't reach them. There is something missing in the circuit from desire to pursuit, and like my nightmares last night, large venomous insects seem to have infiltrated and have a hold on me. Trust has a whole new dimension to it. Now I have to trust that God saw a light at the end of this tunnel before He brought me into it. My one comfort is that He knew, and He still loves. He has hope for me that I don't have for myself.

When it comes down to it, I rely on my senses too much. His world is real. In comparison, this one isn't. I need to live victoriously in His.

Countdown

It's funny how your life can change dramatically in five minutes. Sometimes God asks you to have a certain perspective, and so when He moves you it comes as a surprise. I wrote a blog earlier today, but I posted it when the internet was down and it erased. Maybe it was God telling me to rethink my life.



So that is what I am doing. I am upstairs in our cafe. It is empty because the students are all fasting. I am sipping a cappucino, listening to a soundtrack, and waiting for Mama Lowe to come get me for our one on one time tonight!:) ...and I am also rethinking my life ;P



So here's the deal: I talked to the leadership here at Patmos, and they believe it is in my best interest, because I am not committing next term and because of internal things going on in Patmos, to release me from my fall commitment. (Done with love of course, not at all a booting) And honestly, it was an answer to prayer for things going on in my heart. With what God has for me around the corner, I really wanted time to prepare and be with my family! But I knew I couldn't back down from my commitment and that God had a reason. Well, God does know my heart folks!!



Because this seems such an obvious answer to prayer, and looks like the Lord's leading, I am posting this in faith, because He has led me thus far and He is still leading me! So here it is, familia: I will be home for the fall!!!! LOOK OUT!!!

Mission Trip, Waterfalls, and 2 Week Terms

http://allisonhelvey.wordpress.com

If you go to the above link, you can see some of what I've been doing the last couple weeks of silence! We went on a mission trip to Rondon. We assisted a small church in a large evangelistic outreach event including music, drama, and dance. Some 30 people got saved! It was a wonderful time of celebration. While there we also did work projects for the church and some of its members.

Overall it was an interesting trip: two of our staff got detained by the police almost thrown in jail, and one was almost deported; Pastor Chet's son was sleeping walking in the middle of the night and he fell through a roof; our bus caught on fire while we were eating lunch; and of course, in the middle of this we watched that fateful game where Holland beat Brazil. There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then we facilitated a "mini Patmos" for a small group of youth from the church. It was very impactful. Overall it was a good trip, but of course we got back into madness here. Right now we have three terms going: 3 month, 1 month, and 2 week. The 2 Week term has 10 Brazilian students. This is the group I am working with and I love them! Please pray for their hearts to be open and determined to move forward in change. We are pushing them hard.

At the end of our mission trip we went to my new favorite place on earth (or close to it), Foz do Iguacu. Check out the pictures on Allison's blog. I am in one ;) It is mind blowing there and I love it!!!

A Lion Has Roared

It is easy, sometimes, to sit back and wonder...what am I doing here? I work until late at night. I wake up to frosty mornings and go to work outs that test my faith. Sometimes a day feels like a week, with class and challenges, and office hours, and KP, and ministry, and meal times, and Bible studies, and men's and women's group...the schedule can be grueling here. I look at my life, and this is what I see: it is cold here. My family is not here. I lose sleep. I sacrifice and even suffer for students who don't thank me. I am not getting paid. I don't see fruit. Why am I here?

"I was no prophet, nor was I a son of a prophet, but I was a sheepbreeder and a tender of sycamore fruit. Then the Lord took me as I followed the flock." Amos 7:14

"A lion has roared! Who will not fear? The Lord God has spoken! Who can but prophesy?" Amos 3:8

"For thus says the Lord to the house of Israel: 'Seek me and live.'" Amos 5:4

God is faithful to remind me. He called me here. I cannot but help obey Him. I desire life, and that life is only through Him and doing His will. I was a simple girl, no degree, no qualifications, no money. He took me and planted me in a ministry that changes lives!! And He has me writing a book for a Calvary Chapel pastor. I pray fervently in His Spirit that the work won't be of me, but of Him!!

I look at the life of one of my best friends here. He was a rebel. Everyone told him he'd be dead by twenty one. He was a partier who lived life on the edge and nearly killed himself with stupid stunts on a regular basis. God brought him to Patmos, and now he is one of the most passionate men after God that I have ever met! He is going to become a Pastor. Even now when he teaches, he teaches with authority and wisdom. He is twenty years old and one of the most Godly men I have ever met.

The lion has roared. That is why I am here. I can't see right in front of me. I can't always understand why. But my desire, more than anything, is to follow that Lion, even if no one else does-like Lucy in Prince Caspian.

A Day in Brazil

Here I am in June

Finally, a normal weekend. Some time to relax, but mostly a time to catch up on work!

Friday was an all around lovely day! The students finished some of their challenges and learned a powerful lesson about grace and love! We were supposed to spend the afternoon playing sports, but it started pouring rain at lunch time. So instead, we had a movie afternoon, something never heard of at Patmos!!! We watched Shrek 2 and Up! I was not allowed to work ;) So I cuddled up in a blanket and enjoyed some down time. It was a big blessing.

Yesterday, was extremely unproductive (besides getting my room all clean and smelling fresh) because I could NOT focus on work. But today has been very productive. In Brazil they have church on Sunday night, so the whole day is open for us as staff, although the students help out at Sunday School in the morning. I'm praying that I'll get most of my work done before tonight, because we have an early morning tomorrow. We'll see.

We are taking Portuguese classes on Wednesday with the camp director, Junior. In case I haven't told you about him, he is a wonderful man. Kind, accomodating, and absolutely hilarious! Everyone, including his children, think that I look like his wife...so I told him that he is my Brazilian dad, and he finally warmed up to that idea. He told me to come back in December. Apparently it is steaming hot with huge tropical storms every day! I think we should come down for Christmas ;) :)

Tomorrow, if all proceeds as it has been, I will begin writing chapter three of Pastor Chet's book and start reworking chapter one after Meredith edited it this week. Tomorrow also starts a very hard week for the three month students. It was arguably my hardest week at Patmos, just because of the emotional and mental battles that we take them through. And finally, this next week is the last week to prepare for our first two-week group coming from Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale. I am on the two-week team, so this may occupy a lot of my time.

Saturday was a low for me. I think I have been very attacked by the enemy as of late. He keeps throwing things my way that make it hard to move forward and I felt it most on Saturday. I felt wretched and broken, unable to do ministry or service. Then, while in the shower crying out to God, I realized that I should be indignant that the enemy would mess with me while I was doing the work of God! He fights dirty, and I've been taking the hits and letting it get to me. I refuse to be swayed by him! I determined to get back in the fight and not let anything sway me!

My lungs are proving very sensitive to the varying temperatures, but I am moving forward in faith and prayer. I think workous will just be harder here, and that's something that I'll have to live with.

Other than that, things are going well. I am blessed to have job description that requires me in class every day. I get to witness the journeys of the three-month students. God is already working mightily in this class and I am very excited to see them when they are fully transformed!!! The food here is amazing as always! One of the Brazilian staff, Indy, is a culinary genius! Not only is she an amazing cook, but she makes chocolates that are out of this world!

I've been here a month and I press on! Ten more weeks.

Moses, Sleeplessness, and "So it begins"

Hello all,

I am aware it has been some time since my last blog. This is due to the MADNESS that has unleashed in the lower hemisphere. The students arrived last Saturday...and I've hardly slept since. The day before they arrived, we were in a staff meeting going over job descriptions and Pastor Chet, without even looking at me, says, "Beth's going to be writing a book for me on discipleship." It took me four days to get an interview with him and understand what this meant. One chapter per week. Write in his voice. Write from his classes all the information that he has been studying for years!!!

So now I sit in class all day and type at full speed just to get his words down as much as I can. Then I stay up past midnight, compiling it. Then at the end of the week, I go back and rearrange everything and add fillers so that it makes sense. BAM! First chapter was turned in this morning!! It is difficult for me to describe how exhausting it was to write. And I have eleven more to go. I am so incredibly humbled to think that I am writing this book. He hopes to use it as a promotional tool and get it out to young people through the Calvary Chapel system. When I first got the assignment I didn't understand quite what it meant. A few days later I was overwhelmed, crying on the lap of my roommate as she prayed for me. She reminded me of Moses, and how when Moses kept insisting he wasn't qualified that God raised up Aaron. She prayed that I would walk in faith, and God would not take this opportunity from me to give to someone else. I've been praying that prayer ever since. This work has to be from the Holy Spirit. I feel like I am writing a doctorate and sprinting at the same time. Usually there aren't enough hours in the day. At the same time, I am so spent from the first week that it is tiring to think of so many more. So please pray!!!

Sleeplessness. Well...week one is like that anyway...and writing a book on top of that left me with barely any sleep. The good news is I got more last night, and hopefully I'll get more this week as things settle down.

So it begins. Not only have the three monthers been here for a week, the one month students (all 7 of them) arrived Sunday morning. So now our staff is split, running around like chickens with our heads cut off. They have class, we have class, they have late night challenges, we have early morning challenges. I think we are all extremely weary and strechted right now. Pray for our endurance and hope and that the Lord would sustain us no matter what. We have a whole summer (winter) ahead of us.

I love you all, and would love to hear from you!!!!! Pray for my lungs...they seem to have been inflamed the last two days.

Brasil Part 2

The students arrive next weekend. We have been busy unpacking supplies, cleaning up the property, preparing Pastor Chet's house, and all the other mad responsibilities that are required in preparing for another term. It is cold here, like Idaho in the late fall/early winter. I am very grateful for my scarf and beanie and other goodies you sent Mom :) The only frustrating thing is that although the mornings and nights are cold, midday can get warm. So I find myself constantly putting on and taking off layers.

The buildings are heated or insulated, so we've had to adjust to that, and make our beds warmer. The nice thing is there is no shock of change in temperature when you walk outside. It's all equal.

We had our first workout as a staff yesterday morning. Praise the Lord, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (with the cold and higher altitude) and I did quite well. Every morning I love to watch the fog rising up from the river on the other side of the property. It reminds me of Bokindini. In fact, this whole place reminds me of Bok. The way the light sifts through the luscious green trees interspersed over the grassy property is beautiful! I'll have to get pictures.

I was on KP this morning. The kitchen is two stories, situated on the side of a hill, at the bottom of the long building that is in the shape of a cross. The staff is very patient with all of us as we stumble through communication. They teach us everything by demonstration...and I am far less efficient with a knife than I should be :( We have to wear hair nets. There is a retreat in, the last one until Patmos leaves. The rest of this summer (winter) the property is entirely ours. Every meal is quite the ordeal here...it took 4 plus hours to prepare, serve, and clean up from breakfast. Of course, lunch prep started in the morning too. The kitchen is very efficent with what they do and they are professionals at timing everything perfectly! I was ecstatic when I saw the baker coming up the steps from downstairs with his fresh baked french bread!!! Unbelievably soft, melts in your mouth, crunchy crusty goodness!!!!!

It is beautiful here, but I feel so restless. I have been praying a lot and waiting on the Lord. I know that when the term actually starts everything will look different--pre and post student Patmos is always so different. Our schedules have to be flexible and we have to be available to do anything. It is my least favorite time of the term, because there is little order, and I rarely know what is expected of me. Plus Meredith is not here yet, and it is hard for me to assist her when we are on different continents.

Pray for my health: I have the feeling that if I get sick here, it will be a battle to get well again. The last day or two I've been feeling funny--almost malaria funny, but they don't have malaria here much. I had a headache, then nausea, then something like chills and fever, but it was all very very mild. Just enough to make me want to sleep for two days. I hope it's really nothing--just my body adjusting to everything here. Who knows.

Tonight we are having pizza cooked out of our very own brick oven!! We did it once when we were here last term and it was amazing!!! So I am excited.

Love and miss you all!!!! Would love to hear from you every chance you get :D !!!

Brasil!

We landed at night, and I was in the center of the airplane, so I didn't get to see the city. But I remembered the airport as soon as I stepped off the plane. There were six of us who overstayed our visas last time, so we had to go through an extra process at immigration and pay a fee. Thankfully, the lines weren't as long as they could have been. The wait wasn't too long, maybe half an hour. Then we got our luggage and were off. I was reminded of our Dawson family furloughs...when I was six, pushing a cart full of luggage up that ramp in LAX and Mom wasn't allowed to come back to help me! Flashbacks of long trips through international airports made me nostalgic. God has given me another family for this season.

Our bus arrived pretty shortly. All I can say is: posh. We went up a short stairwell to our seats after loading our massive amounts of luggage. Across the street the motorcycles were all lined up :) Yes, this is a land of motorcycles as well. The seats were big and spacious...they have semi-recliner leg support and leaned back to something like a 20 degree angle, without hampering the person behind you. It was wonderful. My only complaint was that it was rather cold. I was grateful that I had brought my TAM airline blanket on board. In the morning, we in the back found out there were blankets and pillows up front. :( Oh well.

In the back it was stocked with water and guarana :) My new roommate Adonis got her first taste of it. It was a winner! She lives in Tustin, and has worked at Disneyland for some 15 years. I figured out I probably saw her in the Lion King Parade in 96, AND she knows exactly where the Tustin Salvation Army Branch is. We figured we should have met long ago.

The bus ride was 10 hours, but I slept for most of it...waking up every couple of hours because I was cold, but other than that it was so comfortable! We arrived here at Campo this morning around 9:00 or 10:00. So far it has been so good to see the grounds again! This past semester I have been reviewing my Patmos experience, but it has been incomplete until now. It was good to see the staff here, they are so excited to see us!! We ate breakfast and then moved into our rooms--our names were on the doors! We live in two hallways that branch off the main building, making the structure look like a cross from the air. The girls are on the right and the boys on the left. It's a bit like living in a dorm again ;) But better of course. We have our own bathrooms, and we are all like family. I unpacked and showered, and now I have a few minutes before lunch. After lunch we get straight to work.

I love the family environment here... and the giant living room that we all share. It feels like a large house. Right now I am upstairs in the coffee shop section that overlooks the center living room. I think I will spend a lot of time here :D Well, gotta go! I love you all!!

Flipper Beach

Sunsets, 'Gunshots', and Changed Lives

There was a beautiful sunset two nights ago. Pink and gentle. My friend Dave came up to our apartment and inspired us by pulling our wooden bench out onto the balcony. We sat there and watched the pink fade into twilight. One still moment in the middle of this crazy life. Let me try to give a picture:

Last weekend, a loud firecracker went off outside our window. It sounded like a gunshot, and knowing our neighbors, and the company they keep, we had pretty good reason to believe that it was. I wanted to check outside, and make sure it wasn't a firecracker, but my roommates rushed me into the back room where we started praying, and then called one of the men on staff, just to let them know. My two roommates were legitimately scared, not only for us, but for the children who live next door and we've been trying to minister to. One of our men downstairs (also Dave, incidentally) ended up checking it out for us, confirming it was a firecracker, and coming to our door to let us know it was safe. The incident didn't startle me much, but it made me remember where we live--although I am quite comfortable here, it isn't the safest of places. At the beginning of the term our neighbor got raided by the police for drugs and is currently in prison. As a rule we keep our door locked at all times, and the men keep reminding us to wait to hear who's at the door before opening it.

The Center is also located right next to a Rasta camp. They don't always cause trouble, but they do occasionally break in and try to steal from us. Recently, they left an ethernet chord in a wooden box in our back property...I think it was supposed to be some sort of curse. God really does protect us down here, and I am grateful for that.

Also, I recently gave in and went to the doctor, after my friends have been urging me to for two weeks. I have bronchitis. It's been keeping me up for nights. But two days on the antibiotics, and I sleep better already.

Last week we went to Flipper Beach, a gorgeous place with a thirty five foot cliff in an ideal location to jump off of. We snorkeled, we swam, we enjoyed God's creation. It was a beautiful break.

I held out in faith that God would provide for my plane ticket to Brazil if he wanted me to go, and then Pastor Chet told me flat out "You're going, we'll pay for you. Still raise support. But you're going."

I see hundreds of children every day who hear the gospel. I serve twenty one students whose lives are changing radically. One student recently did a monologue that had us all in tears. It was her testimony: raped at six, doing drugs by twelve, homeless, drug lord with a baby at sixteen...slowly the Lord has been pursuing her life and leading her here. She came here angry and mean...we were literally concerned that she might hurt people. Now she is a beautiful woman who is learning to be gentle. And I am honored to know her.

I love you all. God is really growing me and showing that He is sufficient. Continue to lift Patmos up in prayer!!

Twenty-four Hours from God

My expectations for this weekend: to be sick no more...at best.
This weekend in reality? Well, let me describe it to you.

It all started with a whim for Chinese food...probably born in the midst of marathon office meetings. Allison and I decided: when the weekend came we would go to the Double Dragon: what she claimed was a more than decent Chinese restaurant. It became an outing...with eight of us. It was good food and good company. Think Papaya Bay with a little more Chinese influence. It was delicious!!!! Such a refresher after a never ending week of sniffles.

Allison and I went home and watched Funny Face with Audrey Hepburn. :D
This morning I went and prayed with the girls, did laundry, and had a good conversation with a student. Then Kim took Allison, Sue, and I to what she called "an amazing place with coffee and muffins." We passed the airport and entered a part of the island I had never seen. It looked like we had entered Southern California from the style of the architecture. It was similar to that feeling we got when we landed and started driving through Timika. Same island...different culture. We went down a rough road into the bushes...or so it seemed. And came out in this little magic farmland. Surprise!

There were pastures with large clydesdales. We entered this little wooden building. Oldies and country music was playing softly in the background. The structures were reminiscent of Oak Glenn. And what did we find inside? Fresh herbs like Cilantro (Allison was incandescently happy), coconut oil, glass rice noodles, cinnamon sugar pita chips, and many many other rarities. It was like Trader Joes in the Bahamas!!! They also served the coveted coffee and muffins. We ended up getting a quiesche as well. Spinache and feta cheese. Amazing. We sat out on a little covered boardwalk veranda thing with a pleasant view of the grounds and had good, good fellowship.

The day proceeded to lunch, relaxing time with Jesus, a warm day at the beach, pizza and movie night at the Lowes!
Suffice it to say: I was overwhelming blessed by today. It was beautiful in so many ways. Honestly I've been so caught up in the grind the last couple weeks that I haven't had much relaxing time to myself to recoup. I am prepared as a soldier to keep ploughing through and fighting for these students...but Christ is gracious and I truly believe that he sent yesterday and today to me as a present!

Keep us in prayer. This next week could be extremely hard for the students...and for us--seeing we always walk through their journey with them.

New Month

Three days ago I really wanted to right another blog. Right now I don't really have that urge. But I want to communicate where I am at. It was a busy, very full week with some unique experiences in it.

I got to serve at a party for the Logos Boat Leadership. I was one of those people who walks around with a tray and asks if you'd like an hors'douvres. :) It was quite a bit of fun, even though I was sure I would trip and fall in the pool! All the servers were Patmos people and we got our share of the good food in the kitchen in between outings! The best part was serving our leadership, who got invited as guests. They always looked a bit uncomfortable being served by us (they are used to doing the serving) but we were glad they were there to be served for once. Highlight: this one English chap who couldn't get over our strawberries, "There's a word for this....decadence!!" He made me laugh. I saw him later when we got a tour of the ship and that's all I wanted to say "Decadent strawberries!"

I've seen a glimpse of the Lord's provision as well as I was given a pair of pants, a Starbucks gift card, and payment for a volunteer job. They are small blessings that remind me the Lord knows my needs.

We hosted an Easter Sunrise Service at the beach and yesterday we opened our gates at the ALC to the community with our Easter Monday Funday! It included music, food, a train ride and skit, Easter Egg Hunts, open playground and petting farm, crafts, skits, and carnival games. It is a huge event we do every year and minister to thousands of people. I, unfortunately, heard it only from my bedroom window where I was sick in bed.
Cars lined both the streets as people filed in to buy tickets. It seemed to go very well from what I heard, so we praise God for that!

But yes I am sick. It came on very suddenly Sunday night and even though I stayed in bed all Monday, I still feel pretty terrible. Your prayers would be appreciated.

This week the students learned about joy in the midst of the chains of the Gospel as they read through Philippians. Our newest student had a particularly tough time and we are praying earnestly for her. This upcoming week they will be learning how Love Endures All.

God Succeeds Without Me

This week has been one of extreme failure on my part and utter success on God's. In theory: the perfect week. In actuality: a very hard one.

This week was one that most students say is the hardest week of Patmos. The weekend before we were barraged by spiritual warfare attacks with the enemy trying to divide us as a staff and just get a foot in. So I started the week of with a firm mind, determined to be a prayer warrior for our students. But as the students learned about the sin in their lives, and what it looks like to a Holy God...the Spirit was faithful to walk me through a parallel lesson.

In addition: one of our students had a seizure, we got a brand new student last Sunday (never before in the history of Patmos has a student joined half way through), I've been fighting a cold all week with less sleep than normal, I very nearly botched the climax of this week's lesson by sending an e-mail out prematurely...

I have never felt more unqualified to be here, and more grateful that God uses me inspite of that. He truly did succeed this week, and I have been diligent in seeking out the students and hearing the lessons that God taught them.

To end the week: just last night all of the Adventure Learning Centre was invited on board the Operation Mobilization ship Logos Hope which arrived in Nassau Friday morning and will be here for two weeks. We were served a high class meal while witnessing the work God has done through the 16 years of Mr. and Mrs. Randy Grebe, founders of the Adventure Learning Centre. The stories, testimonies, and witness of faces were overwhelmingly encouraging.

It felt very familiar to me: a couple hundred people gathered in a room-all committed to serving the Lord in ministry- praising God and testifying to the work He does through our lives on the mission field. I felt very honored to be there.

In addition I got a little taste of home from my old church Trinity. Allison and I got to spend Saturday with them at the beach, and though I am unfamiliar with most of the new students who attend, I was able to connect with them well and enjoy their company. They just smell like Redlands!!! We also got a care package bag that the second team just brought in. It contains small comforts like full leaf teas, snacks, and other fun things.

Thank you for all your prayers. I know that I have been so empowered this semester because of all of you who pray so diligently on my behalf. God is truly working with these students and this last week proved to reveal amazing growth in their lives. Their old selves are dying and they resemble Christ more each day!

Beach Workouts Make Weekends Better

Yesterday we did an early morning beach workout! Although it was hard to get up for it, it ended up being really fun, for a change ;) The waves were super strong and at one point we were running in the shallow surf, and lifting our feet above the water when a series of waves came and swept us off our feet! My friend Charles got sucked out into the next wave and the next, and the next, until finally someone went in to go help him. And then they both got sucked under again! I was laughing hysterically! They were both fine, of course, just very sandy. But the ocean water was warm and refreshing and it was a great morning.

Now it is Saturday and I have some free time to myself!...which I have mostly spent working on my support letter. Before we know it, Brazil will be upon us! Please pray for God's provision, but more for my faith and peace of mind in that. He who has called me will be faithful.

Tomorrow my old youth group from Redlands, CA is flying in for a two week missions trip! It will be a huge blessing to see the few people that I still know! (including Shawn and Monet!!!) And next week they will be bringing me and Allison a care package!

Next Saturday the Operation Mobilization ship Logos Hope is sailing into the Bahamas. Randy Grebe, the ALC founder is on board and so Patmos and the ALC will be very involved in events over those next two weeks. (It is basically a floating library that travels around the world for ministry) I am excited to get on board and witness what they do firsthand.

And after all that excitement dies down, we will have one more month of Patmos! This term is going by fast, and there is so much work to do before we leave for Brazil!

Jeremiah/ One Week

This week
I woke up in Haiti
I have flown in a small 19 seater aircraft out of Haiti
I have run at least 11 miles
I have woken up to a massive thunderstorm
I have met 15 pastors from across the United States, and heard them teach
I have dragged myself up the inside of a 45 ft tube slide using a rope
I have been pulled out of bed to paint the books of the Bible on wooden blocks at 11pm
I have discovered that changing a flight on Jet Blue costs the same as canceling it
I have picked up a baby lamb
I have had to do my laundry twice in 4 hours because someone put my detergent bag in the dryer and it exploded all over my clean laundry
I have stood 30 feet above a hammerhead shark with a warm ocean breeze blowing at 9pm
I have heard 20 students describe how in the last couple weeks, suffering led to hope and transformation in their lives

And this is the life that God has called me back to. I look back at this week in surprise. What a strange, diverse, trying, wonderful thing. In one week I have sacrificed, I have been rewarded, I have been moved, I have worked, I have played, I have been blessed, and I have blessed others. This is just one week. Life down here is full and sincere. The blessings are huge because the sacrifices are huge as well.

I enjoy the diversity. I enjoy the unexpected. I am honored to assisst in the discipleship of twenty students. They are dear friends now, with pains and struggles and fears. They are growing and learning huge lessons. I am privilged to pray for them, to listen to them, and to point them always to Christ.

I have been reading through Jeremiah for my personal devotions. I am convinced that God wrote that book for me!!Nearly every chapter has systematically applied to my life during this season and God has spoken huge things to me from out of this book. Most recently He addressed my plans for my future, which were not His.

Jeremiah 42-44 talks about the Israelit'es rebellion. They tell Jeremiah to speak to the Lord and they will do what he tells them, but when they hear they do not obey. He tells them to stay where they are and God will bless them, but if they go down to Egypt, a place of security and comfort, then they will be destroyed.
God has clearly told me that He desires I stay here until He tells me otherwise. My original plan was to go back to Idaho (comfort and security) and get a job. But that was not from God's leading, but my own insecurities. I am excited about remaining committed to the ministry down here, and watching God supply for my needs because I am totally and completely helpless to provide anything for myself. I am desitute in Him, but He has promised to be faithful!!

As always, your prayers are like gold!

A Glimpse of Haiti

I have landed back in the Bahamas, and hit the ground running. Back for two days, I already feel as though it has been a week. Life here, as always, is a delicate balance of being busy about the work of the Lord and allowing Him to work in His timing. There hasn't been too much time to reflect about Haiti.

The flight from Nassau to Jacmel was about two hours long, ending in a beautiful runway approach over the ocean. The airport was very small, with a broken down, breezy bunker building occupied by the Canadian army. We were quickly ushered through a short immigration process and then out of the building. Pastor Chet put us right to work, dividing us up into teams to head to work projects that had been established the week before. I was on the team that headed to our house first to unload luggage.

We rode in the back of a truck through the streets of Jacmel, a wonderful introduction to the country. The sights, smells, and sounds all reminded me of Sentani, Indonesia, except of course that the native language is Creole. Much of the poverty was clearly pre-earthquake but occasional structural damage could be seen and there were small tent communities everywhere. Our house was bright pink with a carefully fenced and gated yard. It was four bedroom three bath and extremely nice, considering our original plan was to sleep in a tent community.

After unloading, my team walked a half mile or so through the neighborhood to our first project: house building. Apparenlty contractors hired men to work for food in building these houses and we were volunteering to help. They were small, cement buildings densely surrounded by banana trees and small lean to shelters. Our task was to sift the rocky sand in order to produce finer sand that could be used to make cememnt and mortar. So that's what we did for the next four hours. It was tough work, not entirely unlike archaeology dry sifting, except that there were no tripods or user friendly shortcuts. Everything was standing and it was hard on the lower back. But we worked hard alongside the locals, and a few men from Colorado who had come down for a couple of weeks.

The rest of the week I was on a different work site everyday. They included: VBS downtown, orphanage, digging trenches on the mountain, and demoloshing a damaged three story church building. We worked everyday for six to eight hours and then returned for dinner to the house. After dinner we had class for about an hour and then time for fellowship and homework, but by then we were all wiped.

Most of the week I had no more responsibility than to work alongside the students. It was simple: we were there to serve the Haitian people through love and labor. We had few translators, but most Haitians loved our efforts of broken vocabulary and hand gestures. The kids, of course, just wanted love, attention, and time. My hardest days were spent with the kids all day. I felt so unqualified to give them anything that they needed. Teaching games without using words was humbling in itself, and the smallest amount of laughter worked wonders.

What blessed me the most was watching and hearing about the relief work coming in. Hundreds of aid groups are working in Haiti now, but aid is going to more than just earthquake victims. Needs in Haiti that have existed for years, are now being addressed as the country is slowly being rebuilt. It is huge to imagine that this is just one way the Lord is using this earthquake for His glory and to further His kingdom.

Our trip is over, but Pastor Chet is the coordinator for the rest of the Calvary teams that will be going to Haiti. He was able to properly observe the needs and make connections with the right people in Jacmel, and now Calvary Chapel has plans to be a part of the long term rebuilding process. Their first team (besides us from Patmos) arrived the day that we were leaving and we were able to pass on information and resources for them, to make their trip more effective and less stressful.

I am truly blessed to have been a part of this short trip. Just working alongside these people and playing with their children was a blessing, not to mention how privileged I was to watch the students on our team as they grew in amazing ways. God really impacted their lives through this trip and the fruit is becoming evident. For many students it was their first mission trip anywhere.

Thank you to all of you for your prayers and support! I will try to get pictures up soon.