Perma-phobia. The innate and subconscious fear of permanence.
Yes, I'm fairly confident I just made that word up. Yes I believe it is a legitimate fear, not only in my life, but in others. Yes, I believe the naming and defining of this fear can bring healing and awareness. What am I talking about?
There are several nights from my short college experience that I remember very vividly. There was certainly a sense of adventure and 'newness' when I first moved into my college dorm. I was entering a new chapter in my life- a new subculture, surrounded by young people my age, all living and studying together. There were new skills to learn, new experiences, new people. I whole-heartedly embraced the new academic style: different classes several times a week, attendance at my discretion, scheduling at my discretion (in general). I jumped in and began the adapting process. But I remember it wasn't long until that feeling came back. There would be these nights, maybe every couple of months, or even weeks, when I would feel the indescribably, almost undeniable urge to run for Mexico. I had no particular attachment to Mexico. I had been there before, and enjoyed my visit. But I didn't speak Spanish. What I wanted was a third world country. What I wanted was change.
It didn't stop there. Even when God called me away from college to serve in a ministry that I loved, I still experienced these fits of passion that told my subconscious, "You need to leave. It's time to move on. You need to get out of here." These episodes might last anywhere between a few hours, to an entire week. Symptoms included: melancholy, googling foreign exchange schools or mission agencies, looking up ticket prices, and or looking up old friends.
I moved to Idaho about seven months ago now. And despite the change and newness, I have passed through several of these "episodes." The most recent occurred just a few weeks ago. A great and terrible feeling gripped my soul, telling me with urgency, "It is time to move on. Take a leap of faith." Sometimes it makes me want to lash out at my environment in anger--I feel like a trapped and caged animal. But this time, as I was talking to God about everything in my life--the calling He has for me and the circumstances He's placed me in, I finally felt like I received illumination. I know that TCKs (Third Culture Kids) often experience restlessness, and the desire to move. I know this about myself. But this was deeper. That is when I came up with the word "permaphobia." Because the truth is that it is more than just a "desire to move." There is this deep, innate, subconscious part of me that kicks in and directs my decision making--sometimes without me even realizing it. It is when the status-quo stays consistent for too long. It is when people make statements about my life in terms of "six months from now." It is when my life looks stagnant.
I brought this up to a good friend and she gave me this advice: I think it is one of the best things about you. You just need to learn to channel it. When you get that feeling, seek out new experiences where you are at.
And I know that she is absolutely right. I feel a sense of freedom, now that I have defined this wild part of myself. And I want to be proactive about taking her advice: being wise with where I am at, and what I am involved in. I can find newness and change where I am at.
I am not ashamed of my permaphobia, but nor do I think it is something to be envious of. It may be something I always struggle with, but it is definitely a part of who I am. I think it gives me the strength to cope with change. It's funny though...I have always considered myself able to roll with the punches. Super flexible. But there is a kind of change that I love and a kind of change that I am afraid of. I am afraid of permanent change-like when my childhood home changes beyond recognition leaving my memories the only proof of my early life. But with God's grace, I will learn how to handle both with grace.
