First Snow

Darlin (Christmas is Coming)- Over the Rhine

 

So its been a long year
Every new day brings one more tear
Till theres nothing left to cry

My, my, how time flies
Like little children hiding their eyes
Well make it disappear
Lets start a brand new year

Darlin, Christmas is coming
Salvation army bells are ringing
Darlin, Christmas is coming
Do you believe in angels singing?

Darlin, the snow is falling
Falling like forgiveness from the sky
(Darlin, darlin)
Darlin, darlin

If I could have anything
What would I want this new year to bring
Well, Id want you here with me

Tear these thorns from my heart
Help the healing to start
Lets set this old world free
Lets start with you and me

Darlin, Christmas is coming
Salvation army bells are ringing
Darlin, Christmas is coming
Do you believe in angels singing?

Darlin, the snow is falling
Falling like forgiveness from the sky

So its been a long year
Every new day brings one more tear
Till theres nothing left to cry

Darlin, Christmas is coming
Salvation army bells are ringing
Darlin, Christmas is coming
Do you believe in angels singing?

Read more: Over The Rhine - Darlin' (Christmas Is Coming) Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Strength and Mud

In elementary school, when I still lived in Indonesia, we would have track and field day once a year. We barely trained for it, and I would sign up for races with distances that I had no concept of: 200, 300, 400 meters. In fifth grade I signed up for the 600 meter race. I hadn't been trained or challenged in running. It didn't enter my mind that there was a race they could offer that I couldn't handle. The 600 meter race did not seem unreasonable--until I started it. There were four or five of us all lined up to begin our loop-and-a-half race. The adrenaline was pumping. My competitive spirit was telling me I had to win. The whistle blew and we were off. The pace was faster than I had anticipated- the girl in front of me had rabbitted out of excitement. It didn't take long for the initial excitement to wear off and the fatigue to set in. I began to realize the full distance I was required to go. I began to realize I needed to slow down if I planned on making it across that finish line with any sort of dignity. I began to realize I had little chance of winning. The fun was gone. I remember finishing with disappointment.

Do you ever have those seasons in life when you are faced with challenges? Maybe your first instinct is excitement...maybe you've trained for this. For me, the "spiritual adrenaline" sets in. I begin to list off what God has brought me through in the past. I quote Romans 5:3-5 and determine to suffer in a godly manner. I don't break easy-I adapt well. When I was sixteen this nice couple tried to teach me how to wakeboard. I spent most of that sunny day getting dragged through the water. I never made it up. But I would hold on forever, until the last minute, taking the punishment in the hopes that a miracle would happen. In my deepest spiritual battles I tend to duck my head, hunch my shoulders, and hunker down. I tell myself that this is a season. I tell myself that the sun will come back and I can get back to living my life.

But then there's that moment when I'm almost two years in...two years in and eleven months deep, and I realize that I've changed. Someone stole my shoes, so I decided to walk home barefoot...but now I've been walking for five days and my feet are calloused and hard. It scares me a little bit. Because right now I can't see myself objectively. I know that this long storm has deeply affected the person that I am, but I can't quite tell if it's for the better or for the worse. And what if it's a little bit of both? I thought this would be an experience I would go through, not an experience that would go through me. What if I spent so much time in this dark season looking ahead to hope, and looking behind for comfort, that I became neglectful of the choices I was making day by day?

I am afraid. I feel like Jeremiah when he gets lowered into the cistern and sinks into the mud. I said I would follow you anywhere, God...but I feel pretty miserable in this mud. My idea of calling and sacrifice were different than Yours. I never would have called myself into this mud.

Psalm 84:5-7

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping),
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion.

And God reminds me: "You have set your heart on pilgrimage, Beth. You are passing through this world. I am your strength. I will turn all of your weeping into springs, which bring life." 

If God truly caught all of the tears I cried this year I think He could water the Sahara Desert with them. And maybe He has. But I seem to be living on a different continent.

The Salvation of the Lord

“Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. 14 The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” Exodus 14:13-14

That was a promise given to me about two months ago. The thing is, my eyes aren't so trustworthy. There is an account in the Bible about the blind man who Jesus heals. His first impression of people is that they are trees walking around. Even if we see, if our eyes aren't trained to understand what we see, we will interpret it wrong. 

So many times, God works in my life and I do not see it. Not properly, anyway. This promise definitely came true in my life in the last month, but not in the way I thought it would. My eyes do not understand what they have seen. For the Lord delivered...eventually. And I certainly had to put my effort in. I had to get up every day and put faith in Him. I had to be patient and loving and strong until He changed the hearts of the people around me. 

Through this time though I had no doubt that the Lord was fighting for me. The spiritual battle was evident. I just couldn't understand how He let it last so long. The one thing I learned was that "holding my peace" was a choice I had to make. God would have delivered one way or another. Whether I tore myself apart in anxiety or held my peace was up to me. I think I hit somewhere in the middle. I'm hoping this will help me to grow. 

Lions Den

She's stopped screaming. She came out of her room with her angel face back in place and asked politely if she could come get her clothes from the laundry room. She's de-escalated pretty well for now. And then she says to you, "Beth, I need to talk to you." This is the moment that you think, oh good, she's going to apologize for busting out in the middle of prayer with cuss words and inappropriate references. When you took those ten minutes to patiently, lovingly, and gently correct her, she finally listened. And then as you sit her down she asks you, "Do my bones stick out?" What? Really? Yes, really.

I don't know why the Lord picked me for this job. I'm terrible at it. I don't want to see them stealing cake from the walk in, or passing notes to the boys, so I'm a terrible staff member. And I actually expect them to listen to words and change. I look at this girl: she has more hate in her pinky finger for the girl who called her 'braindead' than I think I have ever felt for anyone. But that doesn't mean she is more guilty than I am for not loving my brother.

I get so angry: not at the girls, but at the lies. They scream at me, defending their right to be bitter, defending their right to lie, defending their right to use vulgar language. They don't want change. They want comfort and safety. And I get angry that they only listen when they're getting their own way. I get angry at their hypocrisy and selfishness. I don't want to be a parent. I don't want to keep disciplining behavior when they have such major heart issues.

I'm tired of going home crying. I'm tired of feeling exhausted. But the road stretches on before me. Do I back down? Do I quit? Do I take on their burdens and failures? They are so very good at pushing off all of their pain onto anyone who will take it. And I have become so accustomed to taking other peoples' burdens that it is not a good combination.

God, I know you have a plan for me- a plan to use even this in my life. But please don't come too late. I am waiting for the dawn. I trust in your Faithfulness, but doubt my own strength. I don't want to turn back before the end. I want to fight bravely until dawn.

Sometimes I feel like this is a den of lions to me and a fiery furnace: but even if He doesn't save me, I will trust in Him.

What 2013 Taught Me

1. My relationship with my sister is very important to the Lord
2. How to biblically counsel without quoting scripture.
3. God's Provision looks different than what I think.
4. How Juvy Court works.
5. Hiking large mountains (like Mt. Whitney) is just as spiritual as I always knew it was.
6. How to drive a motorcycle ;)
7. My Maker is my husband.
8. I am responsible for the children He has given me in this season
9. There are wonderful people in Idaho.
10. The Hand of the Lord is strong upon me.

Dear 2013,

I had a hard time with you. You looked nothing like I expected. But the hand of the Lord was strong upon me. And I know that in His Prescence is fullness of joy. Goodbye 2013. I hope I take the lessons I learned and apply them.

Dear 2014,

Selfishly, I want to wish for wonderful things! But I am learning that God's good for me is better than my own. What I want in this year is this: "And Samuel grew, and the Lord was with him and let none of his words fall to the ground." 1 Samuel 3:19

If that could be said of me at the end of 2014, I would be overjoyed. There is so much in my life that I cannot control. There is so much that I really don't need to be content and joyful. What I need is the Lord to be with me.