I just finished mowing the lawn...
We have a riding lawn mower and a considerably large lawn to mow. I am not an expert with this machine, but I normally do fairly well. So I was out there for a while mowing away, alone with my thoughts...that's basically all you can do on a lawnmower is think. It's much to loud for a phone call, too attention demanding to read a book or write or draw, and I doubt that listening to music would do much good. So I was mowing and thinking. And suddenly the lawnmower started making a horrendous noise that made me jump.(Riding on top of a spinning blade makes me a little jumpy anyway)
In my head I saw this image of the gas tank under my seat exploding in a ball of flame, taking me with it, but just as quickly I knew I wouldn't die. Why? Indonesia. I am confident that God called me there, and that He has a purpose for me there. Therefore, I will live until I get there. It's like when Peter is sleeping in prison in Acts because he knows he will live. How? Christ told him that when he was old he would be carried where he didn't want to go. This meant he would grow old. I have realized that most of the time I have this confidence too, that I will not be dying in the next four months. Maybe I should go skydiving...or base jumping, or go do dangerous things just for kicks! But then I realized that would probably be something like testing God....so...forget that.
But if I were to go out on a lawnmower, it wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't mind dying right then and there in a fiery ball. Why? Cause I am content that in the last year, I have been far from perfect, but I have tried earnestly to grow and please my Savior. I have had intimate moments with Him and a growing honesty and humility in our relationship, and I am content with that. But also...to die on a lawnmower would not have much of a greater purpose would it? Not to say that we can understand God's purposes, but no one's going to put my flaming lawnmower on the front of a TIME magazine saying "Christian dies boldly for the Gospel." I doubt it would inspire hundreds to go on the mission field, or anybody to come to a saving faith! Why should this make me happy? Well, the way I see it, the only reason I would die on that lawnmower would be because God wanted to bring me home! And that makes me smile. I think maybe, if Enoch had lawnmowers in his time, that God took him while he was on a lawnmower.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Faith-fulness
2 Chronicles 32:1
"After these deeds of faithfulness, Sennacherib king of Assyria came and entered Judah; he encamped against the fortified cities, thinking to win them over to himself."
vs7: " 'Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid nor dismayed before the king of Assyria, nor before all the mulititude that is with him; for there are more with us than with him. With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the Lord our God, to help us and to fight our battles.'"
The chapter before is about the Reforms of Hezekiah and it talks about him taking down the high places, smashing the graven images, and making sure the Levites are taken care of as they do their duties. Hezekiah's father Ahaz was an evil king, so much so that God allowed five consecutive raids by different countries to try and get his attention. But he was defiant to the last. His son stepped out boldly to follow the Lord and lead his people in righteousness, and after many acts of faithfulness...Assyria invades and camps against him. Does that make sense? What is Hezekiah thinking..."What did I do to deserve this?" "God, I've done all these great things for you..." No. In verse seven he clearly trusts in the Lord to deliver. He is not waivered. He sees this as an opportunity for God to glorify His name.
After all these years, I still expect God to reward faithfulness with prosperity. I still forget that God loves to take your faithfulness and grow your faith, often through difficult circumstances. But He is faithful to deliver.
"After these deeds of faithfulness, Sennacherib king of Assyria came and entered Judah; he encamped against the fortified cities, thinking to win them over to himself."
vs7: " 'Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid nor dismayed before the king of Assyria, nor before all the mulititude that is with him; for there are more with us than with him. With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the Lord our God, to help us and to fight our battles.'"
The chapter before is about the Reforms of Hezekiah and it talks about him taking down the high places, smashing the graven images, and making sure the Levites are taken care of as they do their duties. Hezekiah's father Ahaz was an evil king, so much so that God allowed five consecutive raids by different countries to try and get his attention. But he was defiant to the last. His son stepped out boldly to follow the Lord and lead his people in righteousness, and after many acts of faithfulness...Assyria invades and camps against him. Does that make sense? What is Hezekiah thinking..."What did I do to deserve this?" "God, I've done all these great things for you..." No. In verse seven he clearly trusts in the Lord to deliver. He is not waivered. He sees this as an opportunity for God to glorify His name.
After all these years, I still expect God to reward faithfulness with prosperity. I still forget that God loves to take your faithfulness and grow your faith, often through difficult circumstances. But He is faithful to deliver.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Beth IS an infinite regress of doom
Sometimes I think you have to let your life fall apart before you can put it together again. Maybe part of it is a realization that I was never in control in the first place.
You know one thing I've learned about myself? I knew it before, but it solidified for me today. I need other people. I need their lives, their journeys, and their minds. I figured out in middle school that I was fully capable of carrying on a full conversation in my head. I can effectively argue and counter argue myself. I can explore entire worlds inside my head. I learned how to confront fear, how to isolate and eliminate pain. I learned how to escape from realities that threatened my well being. And I've spent the past four years trying to recover from that damage.
You see I came up with the illusion that I didn't need others. But it's a lie. Because the truth is...my entire reality, in my head, was constructed by me. And when you've got the depth of Beth counter arguing the depth of Beth, all you end up with is an infinite regress of doom. In my life it's been like a black hole, sucking my hope and joy into oblivion. And it's in that dark, starless night of oblivion that I feel like I lose my grip on reality, and that to hear and see things that aren't there would be a relief to the alternate mask of sanity.
But what I've been learning, especially in the past year, is that freedom comes in the form of other minds. When someone else hospitably opens up their self and mind for me to wrestle around in, I find truth and liberty. One word, one thought that isn't 'Beth originated' can add a roundness to my thoughts that enlightens the whole picture! Not only that, when I witness others journeys, struggles, and thoughts I am given a glimpse of something outside of myself. Because, like it or not, I am not as diverse as I think. I used to think I could have become any person in the world, given the right circumstances, environment and people in my life. Now I'm not so sure. People are far too prieless to put a label of ingredients on them.
In the course of a day of being sick/staying in bed, I watched three movies. None of them were remarkable. In fact, I probably disliked about 2 1/3 of them. In other words, there was only about 2/3 of two movies that I could call good and satisfying. In fact it was probably some of the contrasts between me and the movies that clarified things the most.
And this simply from witnessing the lives of people who don't exist. And that is why I feel like a limp hand up here, slowly losing life as the circulation is cut off from my body. And I don't have one up here to transplant into yet...
And so, out of complete humility, I'm afraid I must counter the phrases put forth so defiantly by myself in high school: I am not a rock. I am not an island.
Someone else's thoughts on life have highlighted my own, and now...maybe...I am ready to move forward. If all goes as planned, I will post tomorrow....with a picture!
You know one thing I've learned about myself? I knew it before, but it solidified for me today. I need other people. I need their lives, their journeys, and their minds. I figured out in middle school that I was fully capable of carrying on a full conversation in my head. I can effectively argue and counter argue myself. I can explore entire worlds inside my head. I learned how to confront fear, how to isolate and eliminate pain. I learned how to escape from realities that threatened my well being. And I've spent the past four years trying to recover from that damage.
You see I came up with the illusion that I didn't need others. But it's a lie. Because the truth is...my entire reality, in my head, was constructed by me. And when you've got the depth of Beth counter arguing the depth of Beth, all you end up with is an infinite regress of doom. In my life it's been like a black hole, sucking my hope and joy into oblivion. And it's in that dark, starless night of oblivion that I feel like I lose my grip on reality, and that to hear and see things that aren't there would be a relief to the alternate mask of sanity.
But what I've been learning, especially in the past year, is that freedom comes in the form of other minds. When someone else hospitably opens up their self and mind for me to wrestle around in, I find truth and liberty. One word, one thought that isn't 'Beth originated' can add a roundness to my thoughts that enlightens the whole picture! Not only that, when I witness others journeys, struggles, and thoughts I am given a glimpse of something outside of myself. Because, like it or not, I am not as diverse as I think. I used to think I could have become any person in the world, given the right circumstances, environment and people in my life. Now I'm not so sure. People are far too prieless to put a label of ingredients on them.
In the course of a day of being sick/staying in bed, I watched three movies. None of them were remarkable. In fact, I probably disliked about 2 1/3 of them. In other words, there was only about 2/3 of two movies that I could call good and satisfying. In fact it was probably some of the contrasts between me and the movies that clarified things the most.
And this simply from witnessing the lives of people who don't exist. And that is why I feel like a limp hand up here, slowly losing life as the circulation is cut off from my body. And I don't have one up here to transplant into yet...
And so, out of complete humility, I'm afraid I must counter the phrases put forth so defiantly by myself in high school: I am not a rock. I am not an island.
Someone else's thoughts on life have highlighted my own, and now...maybe...I am ready to move forward. If all goes as planned, I will post tomorrow....with a picture!
Post for David
John Mayer found out there was no such thing as the real world. All my life, I've been finding out that there is. And I hate it.
I was in a play in fifth grade. It was a Christmas play called The Bethlehem Project about two rival gangs, the city kids and the shepherds, and how their lives were changed when the Savior was born. It was a sweet play. My part was Jesse the Shepherd. I guess I was the idealist who boldly opposed the rest of my shepherd "gang" because I was friends with a city girl. One of my lines went like this: "Well, I don't like the real world. I like Lilly and Elizabeth. I think someone should come and change the real world..." Of course Christ came and changed that 'real world,' and in the end we were all united under His Love.
I don't like the real world, and I've never intended to live by its rules. But sometimes I feel so swamped by it that I can barely keep my head above water. It's as if all those carefully constructed dikes betray their integrity and let me get pummeled by the negative evil that's trying to kill me. All I feel is betrayed and helpless, having to ride out the flood before rebuilding.
Then I find myself wet and sopping, too exhausted to move forward in confidence. This is not who I wanted to be. I want to be up there and not down here. I want to be anywhere than here! Was this my fault? Am I this much of a failure that I could see it coming and not stop it? And I just want to scream at those dikes for not protecting me when they should have, and scream at myself for not being perfect, and scream at Jesus for bringing me to this place of failure. And I weep that I can't be like Job who, tormented beyond belief, held true in righteousness. And I fail miserably when the pressure drops in my head, or when I lose understanding. How pathetic is that?
I see my goals, and yet I still can't reach them. There is something missing in the circuit from desire to pursuit, and like my nightmares last night, large venomous insects seem to have infiltrated and have a hold on me. Trust has a whole new dimension to it. Now I have to trust that God saw a light at the end of this tunnel before He brought me into it. My one comfort is that He knew, and He still loves. He has hope for me that I don't have for myself.
When it comes down to it, I rely on my senses too much. His world is real. In comparison, this one isn't. I need to live victoriously in His.
I was in a play in fifth grade. It was a Christmas play called The Bethlehem Project about two rival gangs, the city kids and the shepherds, and how their lives were changed when the Savior was born. It was a sweet play. My part was Jesse the Shepherd. I guess I was the idealist who boldly opposed the rest of my shepherd "gang" because I was friends with a city girl. One of my lines went like this: "Well, I don't like the real world. I like Lilly and Elizabeth. I think someone should come and change the real world..." Of course Christ came and changed that 'real world,' and in the end we were all united under His Love.
I don't like the real world, and I've never intended to live by its rules. But sometimes I feel so swamped by it that I can barely keep my head above water. It's as if all those carefully constructed dikes betray their integrity and let me get pummeled by the negative evil that's trying to kill me. All I feel is betrayed and helpless, having to ride out the flood before rebuilding.
Then I find myself wet and sopping, too exhausted to move forward in confidence. This is not who I wanted to be. I want to be up there and not down here. I want to be anywhere than here! Was this my fault? Am I this much of a failure that I could see it coming and not stop it? And I just want to scream at those dikes for not protecting me when they should have, and scream at myself for not being perfect, and scream at Jesus for bringing me to this place of failure. And I weep that I can't be like Job who, tormented beyond belief, held true in righteousness. And I fail miserably when the pressure drops in my head, or when I lose understanding. How pathetic is that?
I see my goals, and yet I still can't reach them. There is something missing in the circuit from desire to pursuit, and like my nightmares last night, large venomous insects seem to have infiltrated and have a hold on me. Trust has a whole new dimension to it. Now I have to trust that God saw a light at the end of this tunnel before He brought me into it. My one comfort is that He knew, and He still loves. He has hope for me that I don't have for myself.
When it comes down to it, I rely on my senses too much. His world is real. In comparison, this one isn't. I need to live victoriously in His.
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