New Years Reflections

2011. After three months in Java, Indonesia, and a full two days of travel, I arrived back in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Warm weather for a week. A few meetings. Visits with friends. And then off to Idaho to be with my family for Christmas. 2011 had been a roller coaster. It started off with loneliness, darkness, and brokenness. I had leaped off the cliff in faith that God was calling me, and then I found that the bottom wasn't what I had expected. Instead of being caught by a cloud and carried off to Paradise, I landed in dark water. But to the left of me was a slippery stair case. I had to follow.

But as I climbed the stairs, I started to come out of the dark canyon and into the light. My wet clothes started to dry and the landscape became more and more familiar. How did I get back here? Why do I have to retrace my steps? But as the sun shone on  me with full force I found myself grateful to be alive. If this is where the Lord would have me, then I would walk forward with all my heart.

And I walked forward until I was guided to a race track and told to sprint. It was a ten week sprint and it challenged and exhilarated me and ended just in time, or else I would have passed out. But I didn't. And it was off to my paradise for three months. I was terrified and excited. But those three months were far different than I expected. The Lord met me with discipline and healing. I walked through a confusing trail of self examination. But by the end of it I was closer to my Lord and grateful for His Divine hand.

December 2011. Next year would be better. Next year was 2012. I would be back at Patmos, serving with all my heart in a job description that I had finally gotten used to. God would do great things in 2012.

But the Lord found fit to dip me into the ocean. I thought I would return to a well grounded fortress and instead God put me on a ship. The wind whipped my face, the rain pelted me, and the waves tossed me. I cried until my tears mixed with the salt water that kept coming over the side of the ship. I cried until the bitterness, the fear, and the immaturity squeezed right out of my tear ducts and were whisked out to sea. My soft hands grew callouses as I worked on the ship God had given me. My skin got burned and tanned. My legs grew accustomed to the rocking and rolling instability that is only found out on sea. And I gave up. I gave up trying to fight the storms and instead I prayed. I gave up trying desperately to look for land and instead I waited. I gave up trying to be Captain of the ship and instead I swabbed the decks.

And 2012 was nothing like I expected and hardly what I wanted. Sometimes, even a surrendered life, still turns out far different than you hope. And sometimes it snows on Christmas.

I had been hoping for snow. I had been praying for snow. Snow is white and beautiful and unpredictable and somehow it redeems the freezing cold that sucks the life out of you. If only it could snow on December 25, 2012. But I had resigned myself to celebrate Christmas without out. And then I first spotted the tiny, icy flakes being whipped around by the wind. At first it could barely be called snow. I will be content with this, I thought. But over the next couple hours it continued. And then the temperature dropped below freezing and a light layer of white started to cover the ground. And the snow kept falling.

And I am so grateful to God that He sent me a flaky, white, heavenly snow to cover my year of 2012. I know it was His Grace covering over my soul.

January 1, 2013. Who knows what will happen. It seems my ship has landed on shore again. I've stepped off the ship and now I mingle with people who have never left the land. I know I've grown. I know I've changed. But I know exactly who I am and who my God is. And He will not forsake me. I just have to listen to His voice in the wind. After all, the same wind blows over the ocean and the land...