An Odyssey of Love

Life never turns out the way I expect it to. Neither do the people in my life. Neither do I.

Every day is a new beast, no two are ever alike and they hardly ever turn out the way I thought they would. But I don't like living day to day so much. They say every organism has its own niche in the ecosystem...ever wonder if humans do? I guess, technically, we should be able to live anywhere with the power of the Holy Spirit. But I know He takes pleasure in forming us like puzzle pieces, and when we find our perfect fit, He is glorified.

Today is June 2nd, 2011. Ten years ago I was eleven years old. Ten years ago I was landing in LAX, and my heart was shattered. Six months earlier my parents had told us we would be going to the States for an extended period of time. Six months wasn't long enough to say goodbye. I remember crying over my lost dreams. I would not go to middle school or high school at HIS. I would miss the 8th Grade Sneak, and OE. I would not be able to play on the basketball team. I would not graduate from HIS. I remember crying over the friends I might never see again. But I knew, even then, that my grieving process had just begun.

Goodbye Home. Goodbye green rainforest and white, puffy clouds hanging over Mt. Cyclops. Goodbye pasar. Goodbye Wamena, Bokindini, Boma, and Sentani. Goodbye Jayapura and Ikan Bakar. Goodbye to quiet Saturday mornings on base. Goodbye Super Mie. Goodbye rain showers, and pembantus, Kali Biru, the Green Door Store, and the Dani people.

Ten years have passed. Tonight I am departing for Brazil. Sometimes I wonder if my eleven year old self were to look at me now....what would she think? Would she approve? Would she be excited that I was who she would grow up to be? Would she be comforted to see how much I have healed, and grown, and thrived?

I never in a thousand years, thought I would end up here. I never could have dreamed up Patmos, but God dreamed it for me. Now I live a nomadic lifestyle, without comforts, ministering to others. Every day is an adventure and a battle. I have a close-knit community around me. I see God's fingerprints. I see twenty-one years of preparation. I see that I lived a missionary lifestyle for 19 years before I even came to Patmos. And all I can think is that I am so grateful that life doesn't turn out the way we expect. I expected to go to college and get a degree, maybe three. I expected to be self-sufficient. I expected to never fit in. I expected to be cynical and hard my whole life. I expected to never live a life that compared to my childhood.

God dashed my expectations. I love Him for it.

So even though I am not returning to Indonesia on my ten year anniversary (and that has been my dream for so long), I praise God and I am excited about where I will go next. I had a chance. I had a chance to go back to Indonesia this year, but through the process of following that dream, I discovered I'd rather do God's will, and let Him form my future, then pursue my desires. I am glad that God dashed my expectations and that I am going to Brazil and not Indonesia, because I am with Him. I am following Him, and He is forming me into the woman that will most glorify Him.

Dear Jesus,

I do have expectations out of life. I am human and that is how my mind works. But I don't mind if you change them. My greatest expectation is to go to heaven, and I KNOW that that is a sure thing. So form my future out of clay, and I will be pleased with whatever you give me.

I am so grateful He has never abandoned me. I am so grateful that He took me from that eleven year old, to who I am now. I still miss my home. But I love my Savior more.