Beth IS an infinite regress of doom

Sometimes I think you have to let your life fall apart before you can put it together again. Maybe part of it is a realization that I was never in control in the first place.

You know one thing I've learned about myself? I knew it before, but it solidified for me today. I need other people. I need their lives, their journeys, and their minds. I figured out in middle school that I was fully capable of carrying on a full conversation in my head. I can effectively argue and counter argue myself. I can explore entire worlds inside my head. I learned how to confront fear, how to isolate and eliminate pain. I learned how to escape from realities that threatened my well being. And I've spent the past four years trying to recover from that damage.

You see I came up with the illusion that I didn't need others. But it's a lie. Because the truth is...my entire reality, in my head, was constructed by me. And when you've got the depth of Beth counter arguing the depth of Beth, all you end up with is an infinite regress of doom. In my life it's been like a black hole, sucking my hope and joy into oblivion. And it's in that dark, starless night of oblivion that I feel like I lose my grip on reality, and that to hear and see things that aren't there would be a relief to the alternate mask of sanity.

But what I've been learning, especially in the past year, is that freedom comes in the form of other minds. When someone else hospitably opens up their self and mind for me to wrestle around in, I find truth and liberty. One word, one thought that isn't 'Beth originated' can add a roundness to my thoughts that enlightens the whole picture! Not only that, when I witness others journeys, struggles, and thoughts I am given a glimpse of something outside of myself. Because, like it or not, I am not as diverse as I think. I used to think I could have become any person in the world, given the right circumstances, environment and people in my life. Now I'm not so sure. People are far too prieless to put a label of ingredients on them.

In the course of a day of being sick/staying in bed, I watched three movies. None of them were remarkable. In fact, I probably disliked about 2 1/3 of them. In other words, there was only about 2/3 of two movies that I could call good and satisfying. In fact it was probably some of the contrasts between me and the movies that clarified things the most.

And this simply from witnessing the lives of people who don't exist. And that is why I feel like a limp hand up here, slowly losing life as the circulation is cut off from my body. And I don't have one up here to transplant into yet...

And so, out of complete humility, I'm afraid I must counter the phrases put forth so defiantly by myself in high school: I am not a rock. I am not an island.

Someone else's thoughts on life have highlighted my own, and now...maybe...I am ready to move forward. If all goes as planned, I will post tomorrow....with a picture!